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Ten signs you’ve hired the wrong photographer

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You know you’ve hired the wrong photographer for your corporate photography or public relations photography when:

10. Their e-mail address is something like hotshotpixx@yahoo or flashphoto5000@hotmail.

9. They show up for your executive portraits wearing jeans and running shoes.

8. They frequently say, “Don’t worry, I can fix it later with Photoshop.”

7. At your event, they never stray more than an arm’s length away from the refreshments.

6. At your corporate event, they spend more time handing out business cards to your guests.

5. Low quality business portraits are blamed on the subjects’ lack of modeling skills.

4. After the assignment, they just transfer the images to a CD and hand it to you.

3. Offers a discount if you pay in cash and don’t want a receipt.

2. They give only verbal estimates.

1. They’re the cheapest photographer in town.

 

Best and Worst Jobs 2011

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Take this list of the top 200 jobs for 2011 with a big grain of salt. Lists like this are always very subjective and behind the times. To show how out-of-date this list really is, it says that the obsolete job of darkroom worker (“Photographic Process Worker”, position 90) is better than that of photographer (position 144).

The job of photojournalist ranks 185 out of 200. It beat out other “bottom-end” jobs such as meter reader, taxi driver, roofer, lumberjack and roustabout.

What jobs are better than that of photojournalist? Barber, security guard, janitor, shoe repairman, carpet installer, maid, garbage collector and dishwasher. But then again, with the current state of newspapers, maybe these jobs are better.

 

Best photographer excuses

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When things go wrong, what are some excuses photographers use?

My computer crashed.

The lab didn’t print it right.

This is how all photographers dress.

The sun moved.

You can fix it in Photoshop.

No one told me it would start on time.

The picture is fine, the building is crooked.

It’s art. It’s supposed to be out of focus.

It’s not underexposed, it’s “moody.”

It’s called “negative space.”

It’s supposed to look like that. That’s my style.

The bride’s dress was too white.

It was subject failure.
(This was Kodak’s excuse when a Kodak camera or Kodak printer failed to produce a good picture).

I’m a photographer not a magician.

I’m a photographer not a plastic surgeon.

 

Professional Passport

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While renewing my passport, I noticed a few odd things on the application form:

• The federal government doesn’t recognize self-employed or unemployed people. The two choices are: having an employer or being a student. Two other permitted answers are “retired” and “homemaker.” Didn’t the term “homemaker” go out of style 20 years ago?

• Why are someone’s marital status and weight required for getting a passport?

• Why is mother’s maiden name a requirement? For some folks, this information is not known. Maybe this should be like when you sign up for an online service and you have to choose your “secret question” for identification purposes (e.g. name of first pet, name of high school, favourite food, etc.).

• The passport picture not only has to be in focus but it also has to be clear and sharp. Does clear mean transparent? Does sharp mean I have to look sharp? Should I wear a freshly ironed, see-thru shirt for my photo?

• Most important: no smiling allowed in your passport photo. If it looks like you’re having fun, the government will reject your picture. Some countries, like Canada and the UK, ban passport smiles under the slightly misguided belief that a smile will hinder facial recognition software.

• The Canadian government commands that only a “commercial photographer” is allowed to shoot passport photos. That’s right, no amateurs allowed! Only a professional photographer can shoot $8.95 passport pictures. Professional photographers own the lucrative passport picture business! We’re saved!

 

Eight days a week

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If a photographer wants to gross $100,000 per year, all they have to do is:

Make $50/hour, forty hours per week, fifty weeks of the year.

Or, do just one $275/day newspaper job every day of the year.

Or, shoot just one $1,925 corporate assignment per week.

Or, just one $3,850 wedding every other week.

Or, complete just one $8,340 advertising job per month.

Or, shoot just one $100,000 international marketing campaign per year.

Easy right?

 

Stop me if you’ve heard this (IV)

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A graduate with a science degree asks, “Why does it work?”

A graduate with an engineering degree asks, “How does it work?”

A graduate with an mathematics degree asks, “How can we improve the work?”

A graduate with a sociology degree asks, “What are the benefits of the work?”

A graduate with a photojournalism degree asks, “Would you like fries with that?”

 

After graduating from photojournalism school, a Toronto photographer got a job at a low-paying newspaper which was going through a lot of cost-cutting.

The young news photographer was sent to his first out-of-town job but was booked into a very cheap hotel. When he called room service to get another towel, the hotel clerk replied, “You’ll have to wait. Someone else is using it.”
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