Stop me if you’ve heard this

What’s the definition of an optimist?

A freelance photographer with a mortgage.

 

What’s the definition of an optimist?

A freelancer who opens a savings account.

 

What’s the difference between a freelance photographer and a savings bond?

One of them eventually matures and earns money.

 

What’s the difference between a freelance photographer and a large pizza?

A large pizza can feed a family of four.

 

How do you get a freelance photographer off your porch?

Pay him for delivering the pizza.

 

How do you make a freelance photographer happy?

Give him a two-dollar tip for delivering the pizza.

 

Driver carries no cash. He’s a freelance photographer.

 

What’s the difference between a freelance photographer and a puppy?

The puppy will eventually stop whining.

 

What’s the surest way to become a successful freelance photographer?

Get two Nikons and a wealthy spouse.

 

A freelance photographer bought a Labrador puppy from the pet shop and named it “Kodak” so she could brag to her friends that she now owned a Kodak lab.

 

A freelance photographer comes face-to-face with a mugger. “Your money or your life!” demands the robber.

“I’m sorry,” the photographer replies, “I’m a freelancer. I have no money and no life.”

 

What’s the quickest and easiest way for a freelance photographer to make money?

Sell their cameras.

 

A freelance photographer tells her friend that she’s desperately searching for an accountant. Her friend asks, “Didn’t you just hire an accountant to look after your business a short while ago?”

The photographer replies, “That’s the accountant I’m searching for.”

 

A lawyer, an engineer and a freelance photographer arrive at the Pearly Gates.

The lawyer says that she helped many people get justice and that she righted many of society’s wrongs. But since she greatly overcharged for her services, she’s refused entry and is sent to Hell.

The engineer brags that he built hydro-electric plants and nuclear reactors to benefit all of mankind. But since he caused great environmental problems, he is sent to Hell.

The freelance photographer is now very worried by this screening process. But as soon as he mentions his occupation, God says, “You’ve already been through Hell. Welcome to Heaven.”